the first time i told anyone that i had ocd
they almost laughed a little bit about the fact
but not at me
because the fact was i was sick
but everyone kinda assumed
that i could not have ocd
when they took a step into my room
with my sheets half off my bed
and half my closet on the floor
and torn up papers, bags of garbage
stickers splattered on my door
forever messy all my life
a joke that followed since i was a kid
so no one realised when i got sick
and couldn’t do anything

i didn’t know i had compulsions
never questioned them for long
the things i did to make myself calm down
was not what felt so wrong
it was my brain and all its humming noise
its never-ending sounds
and even if it wasn’t screaming static
it was always loud
before i knew about obsessions
id had grown used to the fact
that sometimes thoughts or weird ideas
would stick around but then they’d pass
of course they left after a while
and was replaced by something else
but i just thought that that was normal
after all i was a kid

when i was 16 something changed
and the ideas stopped passing by
now replaced by one thought
i could not get rid of if i tried
it overshadowed every other thing
and kept me up at night
and suddenly it was the only thing
id think of all the time
ocd is such a guilty thing
it feels like being chained
it feels like you are going crazy
with the weight of all the shame
it feels like waking up in mornings
fearing for your life
because your brain is tryna convince you
that you deserve to die
its like your toeing on the edge
of what is true and what is fake
because your brain is suddenly
an unfamiliar place
and like a meatcleaver
it cuts your thoughts to pieces without name
and you can’t see whats up and down
you only focus on the pain
its like theres something in your eye
so you can only see with one
and there is so much that youre missing
but you’re convinced you’re not
you are aware that you are crazy
but you’re doubting everyone
and you get lost inside this spiral
of fighting and giving up
its like a shadow in your skull
that somehow controls all your thoughts
and there is no room for your rationality
or normal stuff
so all you ever really focus on
is everything you fear
and everything becomes a phobia
until you’re barely there

i cannot comprehend the hours
i have spent in total terror
every night of secret punishments
of pleas and empty prayers
every night id gone to bed so sure
i wouldn’t wake up
and every time that i considered
if enough was now enough

so the first time i told anyone that i had ocd
there was a lump so big inside my throat
i almost couldn’t speak
and when they chuckled i was stunned
cus i expected some relief
but instead i was forced to prove to them
that i was really sick
i never washed my hands for hours
never sorted all my stuff
but i would freak out in the shower
alone with all my thoughts
and after meds and years of therapy
im better after all
but still i wish my illness wasn’t made out
to be laughing stock