i dont know how to write songs anymore all i do now is just sit around and draw and draw and draw whatever used to be inside me is gone cus all thats left right now is way too ugly for a song all i do is hate myself all i do is hate myself all i do is hate myself all i do is hate myself

i dropped outta school about six months ago ive mostly been inside since then now i am starting school again tomorrow and i feel uncomfortable ive been isolated for so long i dont remember how to act normal i just want a life thats easy and good my anxiety has gotten so bad i might have to get some proper help or i might explode or something i am starting school in about 13 hours and i am so confused by it many new people many new faces many new places to get to know and get used to i havent seen my best friend in almost 3 weeks and i dont know how to feel about that i just wanna be loved i want to be respected i want everything to feel normal so dear everyone i meet in the future: do you treasure me? am i someone you trust? would you stay with me? or is that too much to ask for? cus i am unhappy and i dont know how to be happy yes i am unhappy i need some help to change that yes i am unhappy and i dont know how to be happy yes i am unhappy and i need help to change that

its been a while since ive written you a song its been a while since you were here to sing along its been a while since ive written you a text its been a while since ive seen your face i kinda still regret kissing you that day it didnt give me closure or made bad stuff go away i only feel much worse my stomach churns and churns i wish you hadnt told me in the first place its been a while since ive written you a song its been a while since ive heard you sing along now youre busy on your own you have grown and you have grown and you are taller than you were in december i really just regret making you feel that way i know you said it wasnt me but after i had left you felt much better already and well be friends but honestly i cant pretend that nothing really happened and honestly i know that it was my fault that you were so depressed im really not that dumb im sorry for it all i wish i could redo it mostly cus i miss you and not to put you thru it all sorry for it all sorry for it all im a mess thats what you get for falling in love sorry for it all sorry im like this i pushed and pushed and you pushed back until we felt like shit but life goes on and you feel great and i am bitter and in hell so what is new i feel so bad i always want what i cant have and everyone tells me that youve moved on "she feels much better already she tells me shes happy finally" its been a while since ive written you a song and now i cant remember how it goes

i wanna sing i wanna be alive thats all i know right now i wanna be i wanna feel something good i wanna know i wanna feel i wanna be real thats a requirement robotic feelings are nothingness how i react is always innapropriate and i am tired of that im tired of it i wanna be loved and respected

corpse girl cried when she finally died it wasnt her time but the universe thought so she begged and she screamed for a few days or a few weeks to make up for all the commotion shes caused so she begged once or twice for a new chance for life but the maggots were feasting before she could say anything corpse girl,corpse girl thats how life is thats how it is you live and you die for someone else thats what the tv shows put in her head so dying alone felt lonely and wrong but id rather die by myself than be hurt again so see you in the next life on another planet when my skeleton turns to dust and flies thru the air then i will find back to my roots from the apple tree on the moon the peach plum pear in my room

should i do what i am used to staying safe or should i do something new that i havent done yet should i do what i am best at which is doing what im best at until i get tired of myself and what i like but i really like the feeling i like the idea of love of something pure and wonderful and soft and i really like the magic and feeling a bit naive and having someone want the things that i can give but im not that good at that stuff still kinda want it tho

ive forgotten how to feel anything i want to know you i want you to know this i want to feel you know what i said no to i wanna wish you good luck on your way i wanna be honest with myself and everyone else i want to say: i miss you and really mean it then i want to miss you want to feel the need to talk to you about everything but i dont feel it by it i mean happiness and anything really by you i mean loving sweet relief of fitting in by in i mean im starting school tomorrow my headache might just kill me now or i might kill my head not now but sometime else ive forgotten how to wanna feel anything i see people and i feel ok but inside theres nothingness not even just a little bit i open my mouth and say a word but is that honesty i thought that i was dying when i slowly stopped breathing but i only stopped breathing cus my anxiety was so bad my anxiety for dying caused my anxiety for dying what the fuck is happening inside my disgusting brain my brain i mean mushy pile of things to forget and things to remember by what i mean all of it all the things that i misplaced in december 2015 by december 2015 i mean thats when my depression really hit how im still alive right now is really kind of weird maybe itll pay off not now, but someday else

its days like these that come so fast begin so early and end at last i wake in a shock to my blaring alarm clock but im half asleep so i turn it off and so i fall asleep again and dream again the nightmares ive started to know as friends they paint themselves in pictures like movies and art im forced to keep on watching and then it starts i wake late i dont eat breakfast it has to wait i like the quiet of the breaking day i see through my window people like ants moving so fast through the matted glass i wear the same outfits again and again i wanna be comfortable in my own skin and sometimes i can or cant so it seems so i do my hair and brush my teeth till i bleed the bus is always crowded i like to watch people moving and stressing and showing no feelings i smoke at the busstop and when i get off i smoke till im at my school and then i go up i sit in my workplace sweating my brain feeling all my creativity go to waste it shows in my artworks how tired i am how hard it can be to hold a pen in my hand so i listen to music or the ticking clock it ticks on whether i am here or not sometimes the days go faster and i drink tea and then i go home when the clock turns three i walk to the bus and sometimes i wait i could wait for hours cause i like how instead of being surrounded i am alone cause i could spend eternity all on my own sometimes the most calming place to be is at the busstop with people waiting like me the bus rides always quiet and then i just go home throw all my bags and take off all my clothes i rarely have energy to spare after school usually i’m just too exhausted to move i rarely ever draw or paint sometimes i play guitar and sing but mostly i just watch the same tv shows again and again time just goes i eat dinner and i can see the snow outside getting thicker and i think to myself: i have to wear gloves tomorrow then i go to my room then do the same things i’ve done for 4 hours before until i get too tired to do it anymore then i fall asleep exhausted from doing nothing feeling more and more unnecessary i have the same dreams with the same themes and next morning i wake from my sleep to my alarm clock exploding with noise so i put my clothes on and get to the bus i smoke at the busstop and when i get off i smoke till im at my school and then i go up i sit in my workplace sweating my brain feeling all my creativity go to waste

singing songs ive written and crying feels the same the same relief afterwards like dropping heavy weights lately ive not been able to draw or paint and so im finally making music again and i feel like im reunited with a long lost friend i cry sing so much my face is full of snot as i sit in my bedroom late at night and feel fed up i play guitar so hard part of my nails fall of but i like how free i feel when i get completely lost in it so i mean its a win win situation i get a powerful sensation of making something beautiful from an ugly feeling and i also get some exercise screaming till theres tears in my eyes and then just falling fast asleep cus like whatever, whatever im ok with whatever used to be my motto but i wouldnt be content with just getting better i wanna be happy i wanna make shit i wanna draw and paint and write and make and film and feel and sing i wanna create so much that there is something for everyone i wanna paint until my fingertips fall off i wanna sing until im 100 and for my entire life and no one will forget these songs ive sung and cries ive cried i want to share my life thru the art that i am proud of thru the things i love cus thats what keeps me here thats what keeps me here thats what keeps me here thats what keeps me here thats what keeps me here

please dont hate me do you miss me? i am sorry i am boring i just wish i knew how many single times youve thought about me im sorry that i disappointed when you saw me and i wasn’t how u thought i was i was worse , i am always always worse you can tell me i am pretty but i wouldn’t ever get it when i look at myself i dont see a person i see worthlessness i carry guilt for liking you i carry guilt for hurting too the only reason i dont cut right now is cause i hope that you’ll be proud of me i am ugly and im sticky like a snail or a slime i mean i get it if when you look at me you see a crying clown i just dance around like freaky trying to get your attention and i think maybe you’ll hate me if i ever get happy i hung out with some classmates and we drank beer and it was great or like great how it can be great when you dont have a working brain either way they smoked a joint and i took a tiny huff and i didn’t really hit me that im on my medication it was stupid i got high but i did and i know why i was anxious and upset because im used to the alone time vacations always fuck me up cause i need routines and stuff so i get used to myself and i can’t let other people in every weekends like a reset button pushing every week!!! cause i feel like i have just awoken from a hundred years of sleep or an alien trying to navigate the human world either way i dont understand anything about anything and the mix of that with weed is the worst thing it could be like my anxiousness locks down and opens up when i am sober see thats many hours full of anxiety that i get in a final blow which will kill me but at that moment i had let my nervous go so i let my guards down and i stopped pretending constantly and i laugh when i laugh and i say what i think and thats a good thing right? so why do i feel like this? cause im better at pretending than being honest which is SAD i just talk a lot about things i like maybe thats my biggest flaw or maybe its alright either way i do i think i bored a few or maybe all of them or maybe they’re my friends either way they all drank beer every day after that and i was not invited which is DEFINITELY not personal but tell that to my brain please i dare you will you please? cause it rly doesn’t wanna listen to what i say cause it hates me i can navigate the world and other people when im sad because i know how to act the role of being the weirdo in the class sitting in the back and always crying talking to my teachers other people leave me alone because they know that i am weird and its not that they dont like me they just dont rly know me so they can’t really form an opinion about a random strange somebody but now i let people in because i am mentally more well but the more i let people in the worse i actually get what the fuck is up with this cycle? thats a weird way for it to go like shouldn’t other people make me excited not wanna dig myself into a hole but i hate being known yet i love to know others i wish i could be mysterious because i feel like i am translucent cause i always say what i mean which is good right? i think? right? im just anxious that people have perceptions of me in their minds please dont hate me i am lonely other people really scare me theres so few people i want to spend more time with and you are one of them i wanna kill myself but you said: i would never be ok again and then i didn’t want to is that fucked up pressure to put on you? yet i wouldn’t ever tell you i dont know maybe one day that i actually believe that you’re part of the reason i am here today i just want to be more ok like the people who drank beers today the people i can kind of reach but its like my arms are just too short for me to grab onto a sleeve and hold on tight enough to not let go

lets just say 5 years in and my anti depressants work no more therapy except for when the symptoms get worse and i get not depressive, just sad will i be alright? do i have a job? do i have a lover? and do i have a dog? do i feel the world? can i see the sun? do i play guitar? or do i bite my thumb? do i dream of real stuff or am i still in bed? laying in my own filth clawing at my head? do i see the real world as it actually is? will i kiss a real girl and finally feel bliss? fuck my brain fuck the haunting pain fuck the world that tells me thats its not really there if i wasnt sick why am i like this? wouldnt i be not depressive, just sad? will i have a life? will i have enough time? will i get a wife? a family that i feel safe in? will i run? will i see the sun? or will i keep on crying and crying and crying and crying? do i see the real stuff do i ask enough? or do i ask just too much? just too much?

i am weird thats kind of my disclaimer i am here but i am leaving later cant make up my mind my brain is working overdrive i feel none at all then i feel all at once high school is a fraud but i dont wanna be weirder so i guess ill have to go but its just so much easier to just walk around do nothing i wanna love my life i want to sing no one gave me a voice it was always me now its time to choose what i wanna do and who to be

im lonely but i want to not be i want to feel the sudden wonders of clarity that of course im not alone im surrounded all the time to put a timer on depression and just say: not now when i feel the big emotions when i feel the inspiration when i remember im alive thats why im not dead ,that is why when i lock hands with my friends and i think: if the world ended right now i hope at least i would be happy while i died but sometimes the anxiety can get too much feel it boiling over getting hot in my lungs and thats when i dont breathe and thats when i believe that nothing will get better but that isnt real so i keep on breathing for another day and i keep on breathing and i count and say breathe in on five and breathe out on seven one day you will feel how existing can be heaven too