coming to terms with dying alone mindless lobotomy staring at phone after having a life that is empty at most brain damaged parasite seeking a host i have 22 years worth of baggage you see and nobody can carry such deadweight for me im expendable surely im great for the good but the bad is so bad that it ruins the mood exploding head syndrome is always a blast and i bend over backwards and land on my ass which is always the issue thats holding me back making excuses for people who treat me like crap so id stay home from school but now school is at home so i lay in my bed all day browsing my phone neurodivergency eating my time wasting my life being online down at rock bottom , midlife crisis coming soon throwing me out from a plane with no parachute i have no plans for my life and nothing to do nothing to do down in the gutter, surrounded by sewage drains stinking up everything till i relapse again rock bottom doesn’t feel so different from my bed so i guess coming to terms with my spinstery self is less of a shame spiral more like accept so i’ll just live as a vampire suck out the fun of every person who thinks im the one i dont like to imagine the future at all but maybe without all the trouble of love i’d be fine on my own drinking blood from a bag 500 years old and still just as sad so the futures abhorrent , and the past is a pain and the present is empty and boring and lame homemade brain tumor eating my skull gnawing and gnashing head empty no thoughts and livings repetitive lifes just a bust everythings relative i am just dust just the bug you brush of your ear singing my songs that nobody hears down at rock bottom , midlife crisis come again throwing me out from a roof with no working brain i have no goals for my life and nothing to say nothing to say down in the gutter, surrounded by rusty pipes falling asleep in the shitwater overnight from shit i have come and to shit i’ll return thats fine thats fine

did i take my meds today is my brain feeling ok? my ugly face in the mirrors tells me i am losing sleep or im just scared of hurting others now im sitting with my friend she’s intelligent in ways that i will never comprehend i’ve been told my songs are sad, so sad they’re hard to listen to but i just write and sing because i never know what else to do i started journalling a lot which made me fall into a block and now when writing songs i never know if they are good enuff im sleeping until i become my bed im always sleeping in a sleeping bag that feels like when we hug a calming feeling i am singing until i become this song and im still singing to the strangers on the internet who listen to my feelings can you help me halfway there cus i’ve got blisters on my feet i always feel like im manipulating you to care for me and i am scared that you’ll forget me and my back is cramping up cus my posture is as bad as my ability to love and i was good at writing songs when i was singing to the empty void but now cus people listen i am scared that that was all i had to say cus if i’m happy i can’t write but i dont wanna be this sad and i cannot prioritize i’ve always been the worst at that im sleeping until i become my bed im always sleeping in a sleeping bag that feels like when we hug a calming feeling i am singing until i become this song and im still singing to the strangers on the internet who listen to my feelings if you listen does that mean that you are sad? i hope it doesn’t cus i know my songs are sorta on the fence when tackling problems and my therapist was like: maybe just focus on the good but i would rather scream this illness out in shitty singing you can sing along if you think maybe that would help im singing for you it might be cheesy but at least you have a friend who knows the feeling i am singing until i become this song and im still singing to the strangers on the internet who listen to my feelings, who listen to my feelings, who listen to my feelings, who listen to my feelings

just because i survived doesnt make me stronger i dont feel like a survivor i feel like frankensteins monster artificially alive with shackles stapled to my ankles carrying weights that aren’t mine with a body torn and tangled i am still alive just like a cockroach hiding underneath your sink i survived but not on purpose and what do i have to show for it? a repertoire of sorry songs and calloused fingers playing chords i write and write with no prevail i have a backpack full of rocks but all the rocks build up in time and whilst i know their mine to carry , they were never really mine i have to bear your heavy burden, have to bear it and survive but god i can’t keep pushing rocks up hills when they keep rolling down so im staying in my dirt hole like an ostrich saving face leave my tossed out dirty clothes around like a makeshift bed and if i curl up in the corner to cry until i sleep that’ll be another question i’ll avoid and then repeat not saving myself for anyone im saving you from me cus im as toxic as a wasteland and as awful as can be im like candy good in portions but ill carve holes in your teeth and ill smother all your organs till you grow tired of me i have a chain that jinge jangles all the way home to my bed and if my bodys scarred and mangled that means im making progress i know moving on will hurt and holy fuck it hurts like hell but god i can’t push rocks up hills without hurting myself

ive been cleaning for a while i got boxes stacked on boxes crinkled paper in a pile dirty boxers, dirty socks and i got spiderwebs galore that i yank at with a broom i got sadness in my core so i've got sadness in my room so i let the window air out all the dust i left behind when my decomposing body was a normal thing to find when my duvet was always sticky from the rotting of my skin and my floor was always covered in the clothes i couldnt fit ive been making quite the mess cus ive been acting really reckless my floors almost picture-esque how its been totally neglected how the trash bags and the tissues and the empty packs of smokes aren’t really the real issue more a loud and cosmic joke and i am laying on the floor and now im dumbly loudly weeping cus its just a boring chore and its so late i should be sleeping but im tryna get up, figure out this can of worms I’ve opened but i cannot crack it after all this puzzles messy surface i have books and books and books and books and books and books and furbies on display i have trash and trash and trash my little ponys in my bed a box of lighters without gas and tom and jerry magazines and little trinkets made of glass and dusty bootleg figurines and an insane amount of guilt i pack in plastic garbage bags so i can cover them in silk and let them swim in seas of trash and my executive dysfunction is a life-line in this mess so i will start something and give up and then do it all again

dumbass what are you doing? tell me! can’t you see that person didnt care what you were saying you got ignored again cus you are boooring but can you really blame them when you act the way you do? listen stupid, you are ugly. all your friends know too just look at them, you see how they avoid ya? you are the darkness that surrounds you thats why everybody hates you and trust me everybody hates you take a breath and take one more until ur hyperventilating be ashamed of your anxiety, another thing ur faking please do everyone a favour and just quit this whiny shit but you’re enjoying this pretending, you’re enjoying acting sick if you really were depressed then tell me how come you are laughing? i live inside your brain so i can tell when you are bluffing please stop crying, im just telling you the truth, somebodys gotta when you’ve got everybody else convinced fuckface why are you happy? stop it! dont forget the razor that i stuffed into ur pocket just be yourself. lame and gloomy. do you really think that anyone would you like you if they knew me? listen asshole, you are worthless. just a nervous little creep who never really found a purpose. think you’ll catch up? you’ll be sorry. the only thing you’re really good fors making everybody worried little loser you should hold your breath and never breathe again you should just realise by now i am your one and only friend you think that anyone would like you if they knew what you were thinking? it doesn’t take a lot to see right thru your bullshit made-up illness i see everything about you that you try so hard to hide every single ugly thought and every single fucked up part you wanna hurt your friends? well go ahead, stick around and watch you will inherently cause problems if you choose to get involved little blood girl wheres your power? wheres that confidence you preach? are you just a little liar? just a little lying freak? are you deaf? why dont you answer? cut your thighs and make it bleed i can make you do the things that makes your shrink break down and weep no one likes you, they will kill you, everyone is out to get you, you’re a liar, a deciever, no one cares about your pain fucking scumbag, youre a fake and you’re a fraud and you’re a failure you should just die, it’d lift a burden from your friends you think your illness is whats holding you back? truth is it is you you are the reason for your illness, everything that you’ve been thru you’re only as bad as your worst thoughts and where does that leave you? kill everyone, kill everyone, kill yourself! come on! just be grateful cause i could be worse, im censored for this song you are thinking this so there must be some truth in here somewhere? dont you think so too? blood girl why are you hiding? even with the tv on im here inside your mind why dont you answer anymore? im bored just playing with myself its way more fun when you throw up or think you’re gonna go to hell the pills won’t kill me, i hope you know that i am a chronic little demon and ill stay cus your my best friend whats gas lighting? like on a stove? oh by the way was the oven on before you left for school?

most of what i write about is sadness but i guess its just an easier emotion to dig into than the rest theres always layers top of layers of self hatred i can dig thru whilst the positives just gather dust in corners of my brain goo when i go to sleep i watch the dust bunnies like pretty flowers and i count the sheep while they tirelessly jump around for hours the night is gorgeous in its greyish blue and i love how calm i feel when im awake inside this quietness that almost feels unreal why am i crying? crying over what? and my pillowcase is drying with ounces of my snot i feel like emptiness colliding cus i am bored by everything but i just want to feel alright ish i dont want to feel like shit why am i lying? lying cus of what? cus i keep telling you i am fine but im actually not i think its more about my own shit than anybody else but that doesn’t make it less weird cus then im just lying to myself im going sorta crazy how bout you are you ok? i miss my friends and i miss school but time just flies and goes away i think two weeks are spent now nothings new just laying in my bed im taking naps to try and sleep until its all normal again keeping up with everyone has been the hardest task cus back before this quarantine i saw them at their desks in school we sat out on the balcony and smoked when we felt like it now the weather is amazing but we’re all stuck in our apartments why am i crying? crying over what? and my pillowcase is drying with ounces of my snot i feel like emptiness colliding cus i am bored by everything but i just want to feel alright ish i dont want to feel like shit why am i lying? lying cus of what? cus i keep telling you i am fine but im actually not i think its more about my own shit than anybody else but that doesn’t make it less weird cus then im just lying to myself why am i hiding? hiding cus of what? cus if i want to go outside i can do that if i want but i just dont have a routine now it was pulled out of my hands and now its expected that i do the things i could but now i can’t why am i dying? dying over what? its like stupid how im trying it makes life feel like a job i am an expert in my own shit but i miss everyone else everything is weird now im just lying to myself

this song won’t write it self instead i yank it out with force i keep on twisting hoping something gives something like sweet remorse i dont remember anymore why i now avoid my friends something just split in me and then i kept on wishing for the end i had a conflict brewing up, something that felt just like a storm but now my feelings simmered down and chose to hide and shrivel up i cannot vocalise my fears i cannot feel when i am mad i cannot dream about the good i only dream about the bad hi how are you? i am shit, in fact im getting worse and worse i want to cry but i feel numb, someone just call the fucking nurse i keep on hitting what i thought was now the lowest of my low but then theres something under that, another endless hungry hole i know you’ll hate me in the end, i feel it come to that at last i am too needy, im too much, i am like touching broken glass you cannot care for me enough, and i can’t satisfy my needs so i will want and i will want and never feel relief i want to die i want to dig a hole to hide in for a while i want to sleep until i finally wake up and start to cry i feel so strung up like a rubberband, two seconds till i pop but i can’t stop myself from bottling everything up i am wicked worse and what a curse that is to be the ever lonely wicked witch i am so overly involved but i am still detached i want to help you but i can’t

scatterbrained and overeager pressed like paper thin and sharp touch my edges they may cut u feed my body to the sharks household rules are always sacred creaking staircase leads to death if i dont believe in magic ill believe in human pain monster cans and crumpled paper notebooks full of pleas for help i feel like i just one from coma 3 years down the sewer drain undiagnosed adhd feels like falling fast asleep always seriously joking always not the enough i see hi how are u? i am great! i have finally, oh finally given up on trying i am flightless like a bird i am fightless and it hurts but at least i know now it was all in vain hi how are u? i am swell! i have finally oh finally given up on trying i am flightless like a bird i am fightless and it hurts but at lest i know now that it was all in vain unequipped for friendships and bad at being human pressing a bandaid to broken bones if i can always predict who will abandon me next i can stay at a distance that will cushion the blow ill never really get it, i never ever did so i have finally oh finally given up on trying i am barely even here there are no pieces left to shatter but at least i know now it was all in vain

i haven’t felt like myself for so long i dont know who i've become in the meantime as the world passes by i’ve been bedridden almost for a month caught up cabin feber gone in the meantime everybodys moving on i cannot focus and now i am on my own i am utterly alone i am left to die again all my friends all my friends are so dear but far away i am cooped up in my bed dissapearing without trace the world is caving in around my skull making me forget that i can talk making me forget how to reach out making me forget that im allowed but i can’t sleep in any longer i can’t stay like this for life im not sick enough but sick enough to never be alright i am wrongly wired really tired fighting for my right to have a little hope that i will someday turn out fine i haven’t felt happy for so long i dont know where it has gone in the meantime i’ve been sleeping quite a lot i’ve pretended everything was going fine so i didn’t have to lie if somebody asked me if ive gotten worse i am sloppy with excuses always covering my ass i am scared of getting help cus what if that shit doesn’t last im on meds but still depressed and therapy it didn’t help so im just tired of the fighting can i ever catch a break? i am happy for you happy for you but im so afraid i am trying i am trying but i want this shit to end i am lonely i am lonely yet avoiding all my friends i am scared yes i am scared that i will always be in pain i am wallowing im wallowing but god it feels so good i am painfully aware that im not doing what i should i am tired of it, tired of it, but i still can’t sleep i am sorry i am sorry that i always feel like shit

got a borderline brain just a chronic concussion! so whats your problem dear? my problem? pfft nothing! how bout with life in itself can ya fix that? hey listen dya have something along the lines of personality fixing? hows your head ? well I’ve only had complaints! i went home from the doctor with a note on my brain saying: here lies the problem you were trying to find should’ve known the source was in me when my mouth always tastes like bile got shitfuck immune system sick as a dog im bored outta my mind coughing yellow snot up the psychiatrist talked to me like i was dumb it was hard not to get up and scream from the top of my lungs yeah my brains not the best it has several pests sewer rats scour thru it tryna find trash to ingest yet im doing what i can with it I’ve always done that i dont need pity i am fine i am ok with everything being fucked up with me having shit luck already knew that much but hey why not just pile it on im like hardwood im infested with my childhood home im like broken bottles bestest when thrown out of control im like home before the sundown but sundown never stops especially when you’re abused at home while growing up im like just sneak out in the morning and hope they dont wake up im like why are you so thirsty? why are you so rough? even in the nights where i was sure i would die i never prayed instead i clasped my fingers tight and told god if he ever showed his face i would show him the true meaning behind the sin of wrath i got borderline anger i am barely holding back and god its been festering for years and i am still pissed at you i already got a shitty dad i dont need two i got a borderline brain with some extra spicy spices with depression and avoidant sprinkled over it like lice i have ocd that follows me around at every turn i got a list that is too long for them to print it on my urn like here lies blood girl: cause of death unknown but even when im dead someone will try to have my cover blown and share my lifestory that was never meant for them share my saddest secrets with their friends colleagues friend cause im just a wet specimen sitting on the shelf gods favourite part time play is making people mentally ill thats why i just dance around the saddest clown he got he snaps his fingers suddenly ill cry and wanna cut borderline is scary i got mood swings for days anger that i hate feelings that feel fake i am worried im lying to myself even when i am clearly so sick that i couldn’t even tell and even in the nights where i was sure id commit suicide i never prayed instead i clasped my fingers tight and told myself to never go that way and to show them the true meaning behind changing ways i got years of being my own therapist i should get payed and i will keep bettering myself until im better than the rest! and i can do that even with my brain full of pests!

finally quitting nicotine after almost 6 years ive been sucking down the gasoline lighting up my lungs and feeling hollowed out and thrown away living like a rat and ive been trying to take care of myself but im no good at that ive watched all of my dvds and listened to the same songs on repeat and ive been crying more than usual and talking in my sleep and ive been neglecting my diary and favoring my phone , and playing new horizons daily cus i cannot leave my home yeah I’ve been talking to my doctor and psychiatrist and shrink and ive been cleaning up my messes and then messing up again and ive been reaching out in blindness just to grab somebodys hand and weirdly reaching bottom just to crawl back up again hadnt rly pictured getting better but i have and i am just as shocked as grateful tho i know it doesnt last forever maybe dealing with the ups and down is crucial to exist forgive myself for all those years i feel like i have missed? holding onto hope onto hope that the person i was once would be proud of the me thats not doing this alone anymore anymore independancys a bore reaching out is not a bandaid its a part of growing up my shrink thinks i have tendencies to believe all the negatives my brain is always feeding me, and over-sharing actually keeps me from real vulnerability , and i just let it power me a puppet to a lifetime of survivors muscle memory so what if internalise and get depressive and go into hiding almost paralysed by this overwhelming urge to just give up and sleep forever just give up on getting better but i am too stubborn to stand down and give up so i betcha even if im tired even if my feet are sore that i will walk this spiky road with much more passion than before maybe getting blisters is a part of moving on accept myself for all the things i feel like I’ve done wrong? holding onto past onto past is the thing holding me back gotta keep keeping on write an awful lot of songs make some sense of this brain thats been keeping me away from the things that i want moving on and growing up growing up growing up is the next upcoming stop in this path that i took, tho its scary it is good letting go, getting well felt so far away but then i became someone else and im braver than back then