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doctor appointment after doctor appointment

from albumless songs 2019​-​2021 by blood girl

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lyrics

doctor appointment after doctor appointment
i am lying to myself when i say that i dont want it
in a way it gives me purpose, it brings a point to life
if i cant get well and do stuff
i might as well comply
so im the sick one once again
the one who doesnt go to school
the one whos eyes are red
because theyre crying in a bathroom
im stuck in a loop
in my own groundhog day
replaying the same lines and phrases over again

my friends are growing tired
cus i never answer texts
the only thing that brings me joy
is buying shit and yet
i lay surrounded by the stuff i buy
feeling so alone
knowing i am spending
so much money i dont have and so
theres a doctor appointment and a doctor appointment
im sitting in the waiting room tryna dig into the noise
and before i go out i cut myself
cus whats really the use?
in case she doesnt think im sick enough
ill have some proof
its so disturbing making someone sick
in charge of their own health
and im the one whos calling in
sceaming to the void for help
ive done so now for 5 years
and yeah i got some pills
but i have nothing more to show for it
i still operate like this

so to my doctor appointment, at my doctor appointment
i am bringing a friend
cus im afraid that they wont trust me
its like why is it so hard to send me away
to the emergency room
i can stay surrounded by people wholl actually help
scanning and tryna find whats wrong in my brain
cus theres a lump in my neck and im afraid that ill die
i just want to be alive and just be alive

and at my doctor appointment, my last doctor appointment
i sobbed my way thru tryna ask her to refer me
to someone with knowledge of trauma and pain
but she couldnt do much
she was just a temp
but still i cried on the way back
it felt like the end
like this was my chance and i had blown it again
i dont like having this illness but now it is me
and now at least i can focus it on something

the next doctor appointment, the next doctor appointment
will be just like the rest cus she cant do nothing for me
i know i'll have to go home and feel numb inside
but then at least i have something to feel numb about
i was always the quiet kid in the back of the class
staring out the window at the fingerprinted glass
imagining my future 20 year old me instead
just how much better i would be at life by then

credits

from albumless songs 2019​-​2021, released August 1, 2019

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blood girl Denmark

hi i'm Blood girl i am 24 years old and i sing about sadness because i am sad.

Thanks for listening to my little diary

soundcloud.com/iambloodgirl

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