i haven’t done my best but ill do it now all these years i was too busy fighting for my life now i feel like i am allowed to sleep i can crawl into my bed and melt into my sheets if im too paralysed to get up after all i will stay in bed and scrapbook not just lie and sulk i will continue on i will not hurt myself i will stay alive i’ll make the very best of it i know my shrink she says im not nice to myself but i will try to act as though i am my dearest friend i will brush my teeth and i will take my meds i will do all of the things i couldn't do back then if im too sick to do what i want to do i will make a list to make sure that im able to i will forgive myself for years i’ve spent in bed and i will stay alive so i can play my songs and sing i haven’t lost the game im just not good at it yet and that is fine when i have all this time to be the best i will clean my room ill do laundry too i will even take a shower i won’t fucking lose if everything feels dark i will close my eyes and i will count the moving lights and all the dancing stars i will take a breath, i will ground myself i will sleep and wake up try again another day why does it seem so abstract to be fine? at least i am not crying all the time now stomach please stop bubbling with rocks churning full of fear and full of knots but i will prove them wrong, every single dark thought that doubted me ill prove to them that illness hasn’t won so i dont think ill ever be like you but ill be happy too yeah i will prove them wrong, every single dark thought that doubted me ill prove to them that illness hasn’t won so i dont think ill ever be like you but ill be (ill be) happy (happy) too

i am not alright to the point where i should just stay at home and not go to school cus everytime i speak i float from my body and i look down thinking: shut the fuck up dude! like everything i say is so fucking stupid and everytime i speak im completely useless i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry URGH! i embarrass myself by being embarrassed and when i try not to be i think i come off as arrogant i always start at A and end up somewhere by the H and oh the H is giant capital it stands for how i hate myself i think im stupid when i talk and then i say “haha im stupid” and then i think it is annoying so i think im even worse i am so angry at my stupid brain and i just wanna cry i am so angry at my by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry URGH! all roads lead to stupid im stupid cus i think that i am stupid this song is stupid cus its about being stupid and it is stupid that its stupid so its stupid i am tired of myself cus my brain is poopy! when i go to hell all roads still lead to stupid i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry i feel embarrassed by my stupid brain and i just wanna cry

i have mood swings so bad i am scared of going out go from happy to depressed in twenty minutes and i doubt that i can focus even function if i try to go to school when half my day is crying laying in a pool of my own drool i hate these days where im frustrated and upset and overwhelmed where i am happy then i hate myself and wish that i was dead then im excited go out thrifting and then as im walking home i feel so bad i feel like shit and i just wanna be alone im tired of trying and slowly detaching then randomly smiling and feeling fantastic then laying in bed for an hour just staring then reading and cleaning and laughing and caring i have mood swings so bad that i cant fathom i am real i have one too many feelings for just one person to feel i am so tired i can barely keep my eyes open at best yet for 4 hours i lay awake not sleeping in my bed i spend my money oh so recklessly i dont have self control and then i feel so bad about it i just wanna stay at home my one big problem is that i have shit to do i cant just sleep the other is i am so energetic i cannot sit still frantically browsing the apps on my iphone lights my face up like an sos signal, “come home” i feel so alone but i just wanna fake it we'll pretend i am happy till another moodswing makes it real and i eat until i almost puke i smoke a pack of cigarettes a day i pet my cat and do laundry then my body is in pain i wake up from my nap another nightmare creeping to my brain i get my story straight, im ok if they ask forget my meds and eating then i shower 3 times in a row cus its nice to feel the fake warmth to pretend im not alone laying on my body like a caring silhouette instead of a chalked up silver showerhead i am so lonely and so happy im alone i am so tired of my phone i am so worried bout my friends but are they worried bout me too? i am so scared that this is it then i feel patient as can be then i feel reckless and confused and then i dont know what to do and the man strongly implied that i was faking being sick to somehow make music about something where i dont know shit and i was angry as i sat in my pjs on the counter in the late afternoon having skipped school and a coward told me to get therapy and get medicated well both are things i eat for breakfast both are things i need and hell i am doing what i can and surviving so you know i am singing bout my struggles cus theyre mine to sing about theyre mine to sing about theyre mine to sing about they're mine

my skin is full of scabs and sores i pick at till my face feels numb i stick my fingers in my pores and scrape until i hit my skull i pluck my lashes from my eyes until my eyelids hurt and throb until i cannot see and dirt fills my eye socket up i bite at my gums and inner cheeks until the blood is steaming hot it threatens to run down my chin and fill up my red papercup i pull the dry skin of my lips until they are an open wound and everything just burns to shit and i cannot sit still i pluck and pull and rub and tear and scratch and scratch and circumvent i punch and yank and overshare and latch and hatch and hate myself i overrule the final judge i get to heaven warts and all he opens up my case but its a billion pages long i pull at all the ingrown hairs with tweezers or my fingernails i bite them down until they are a stumpy little nothingness i squeeze at every fingertip till infected pus drips out it mixes with the blood so its a swirl of yellow red and white my hair is full of lice and bugs and oil that drips from every strand i pull the living creatures out and hope that you will understand i dont do stuff that hurts me because i dont respect myself because when it comes to hurting i am actually the best i pluck and pull and rub and tear and scratch and scratch and circumvent i punch and yank and overshare and latch and hatch and hate myself i overrule the final judge i get to heaven warts and all he opens up my case but its a billion pages long

trying is just a slippery slope to sadness which is a slippery slope to madness which is a hollywood word for how i exist and work i guess and love is just another word for obnoxious which is to say i am loveless maybe thats why i am scared of you and what you do when you like me enough to make me feel like im good when you love me i think maybe i could love too i always thought i might be bad now i know that its true cus i think you’re so good and im nothing like you when you took me apart like a ball jointed doll put a heart where i used to be just ribs with a skull now i hurt when you leave,was that better than before? now i just want you to love me more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more kill me use me for what is my purpose choke me until i turn purple instead of your mild and self sacrificing humanising my love is closer to something thats toxic than love that is just something lovely which is why i dont kiss cus i can taste myself on them can you love me again if im a horrible friend? if i push you away to make more room for myself? if im broken and hurting and stuck in a loop? always saying the same things, embarrassing you? can you break me until i am broken enough to pathetically think that i understand love? its all a mental decoy, im a broken toy mistaking attention for joy bleeding is maybe something to do with competing just a proof that our bodies are fleeting living life to the fullest has always been the weirdest thing and love has always caused nothing but problems if you see my exes please tell them that pain is a virtue still nothing really quite compares to how you sometimes dye my hair and love me even when im sick i know i dont deserve it trying is just a slippery slope to surviving and thats why im writing and writing never quite finishing any songs so i write more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more

body works like this: in dire need of validation everything will revolve around that then every little talk every word that comes outta my mouth is desperate and hungry for love and hunger works like this: been starved for true affection so i cling on to whoever treats me nice i yearn for hugs and compliments i yearn for hugs and pats on head like im just a helpless little child and im tired of feeling so small or feeling none at all or wanting to be seen when someones looking straight at me its like when am i satisfied? will i ever know if i am? am i just wasting peoples time? cause i really wanna be is a person who is fine without anyone else not a person isolated but someone who likes themselves enough to function on their own someone who doesn’t freak out if somebodys looked at them wrong and wrong is meaning this: cold or maybe distant maybe im just paranoid but i always feel annoying or maybe i am just annoyed i just want to be connected want to be completely fine tired of feeling so conflicted about everything cus i am tired of feelings so big and feeling like shit and wanting to give up on life every two seconds i wish i didn’t know why im so upset all the time cause the knowing makes it harder cause i always have to compromise tired of speaking in tongues or never speaking up and praying everyone thinks i am somewhat good enough i want to be my own but im at everybody's feet bowing to the ground and crying begging that they love me cus there is always a little bit of fear of everyone i know they have this scary power to leave me if they want to i thrive when by myself but i am scared of my head i am scared of my thoughts i am scared of feeling dead a little bit of fear of everyone i know they have this scary power to leave me in a moment i like it by myself but i also need my friends i need to feel connected i need to leave my bed, i guess

whatever i draw whatever i do whatever songs i listen to im thinking of pain im thinking of death it feels like a glue it sticks to my head im seeing a corpse when im out for a smoke it looks like my face just beaten and broke i look to the sky ask: is this a joke? if it is its not that good im not in the mood for answering texts im not in the mood for anything yet im writing a song to feel like im real that this isn’t just a truman show deal if it was it’d be a horrible show a feel-bad bummer type of series and yo im all for some drama but my life is just sad mostly consists of sleeping wherever i am wherever i go whatever i think that i know is just my brain cells telling me stuff and why should i trust them knowing that all the things that i deal with boils down to my brain is a bully and i am the nerd who always gets picked last tripping and being laughed at i am still sick so my voice is fucked up and i am so tired of this gnarly cough all i wanna do is make music and sing but i am too tired to do anything my whole room smells like a litter box cus my cat does nothing but shit all day long can’t crack a window to air the smell cus im pretty sure she'd jump out killing herself whenever i think or i use my brain or im squatting in the shower pulling hair from the drain i think of my body think of my face how it is moving how it is shaped i hate that im real and i hate i exist i hate being aware of everything i look to the sky like: got an explanation? but all i get is static

and when i wanted something i could write about i guess i didn’t think that meant i’d get this shit depression again i am aware that I’ve been pushing down the symptoms yet i just didn’t want to face this shitty part of myself i'd have more luck in getting better if i tried to get up outta bed instead im forced to stay inside i dont like looking in the mirror so i close my eyes instead of looking in the mirror and understanding why i am wasting time im laying in a coffin bed and now my bedsheets smell like nothing but the living dead i think im wasting time on nothing to convince myself that i am weirdly ok wasting into nothingness last year flew by like a paper bag in open air and i was standing on the brink of nothing halfway there and just as always i got pulled back like a punctured lung so why do i keep crawling back there like i want to jump and when i asked for something i could write about i meant maybe falling in love though i know that never ends well there is this thing that feels disgusting being loved and seen thats why i haven’t kissed anyone since i was seventeen i know im not always the worst at every single thing i do but being isolated with myself just makes it feel so true my head is pounding like a paper cut and i can’t sleep in fact i wake up every single night at 5 from really shitty dreams this quarantine is fucking up my mental health i am counting flakey paint chips as i lay in bed i get dressed for my own sake to tolerate myself cus in my pjs i just feel like i am actually dead and when i thought i would get better just from working hard i didn’t think about the my-brain-is-just-broken part i know im better than i ever thought i would be yet im not well enough to even be considered well

tired of seeing my own face hearing my own songs spending my own days tired of always doing everything doing it for everyone with nothing to say i can’t feel things i’m just tired i’m lonely and i’m tired i feel like i am 15 again with expirary dates on my friendships sorta just wasting time alone why is it that just because i am depressed i have to feel totally disconnected from my friends being alone is healthy sometimes but i isolate myself and then i wanna die why is it that just because i’m empathetic people feel like they can fucking forget me i am needy too, desperate for love im sensitive im broken and i depend on other people a lot i cant always be strong i cant always be tough i've learned that no matter how bad im feeling its never bad enough tired of seeing my own face hearing my own voice following my own pace tired of always giving second chances third and fourth chances to everyone when i’m hurt too and i’m tired i'm hurt too and i’m tired i feel like i’m 11 again accepting life means isolation means you just keep to yourself why is it that i dont know myself when that used to be the only fucking thing i knew well being depressed is bad sometimes but it also makes me look at things that i dont do right like feeling like i’m the one whos supposed to carry everyone i love when im a fucking idiot too i’m not always great i just want somebody to hold me and tell me i’m ok i cant always be good i can’t always hold on i’ve learned that no matter how shitty someone is they’re never shitty enough

i got a gay little brain and a gay little heart got a shitty guitar where i play songs call it art i am dumb in my brain i was dropped as a child not by my parents but by the gods i see a girl in the bus wearing dragon ball socks and i look like an asshole as i fall in love maybe 5 minutes pass before its her stop and she smiles at me before she slowly walks off self induced heart attack from projecting my shit onto a stranger who probably thinks im a weirdo as i sit and stare at her socks smiling politely because i look dumb got a gay need for love and its gross and amazing ever since i was a kid i always found it overrated i hate other people yet can’t live without em is that normal? is that a problem? never understood flirting never rly got the gist seeing people putting cherry stems into their mouths and shit as a kid i never saw someone like me on television only people who were straight and seemed to really enjoy kissing i feel alien enough almost alien too much and i am shy and reserved and barf from others touch earth girls are easy as an alien man said i just laughed and said: then you haven’t tried to be gay! its not too easy to be weird and sad and also a hopeless romantic who hates things that are romantic and other people yet nothing will top how much i hate myself still if ur up for it come take a walk with me we can go thrifting and eat something i will be awkward and shaky ill try not to die can’t promise anything hope thats alright i got a gay little brain and a gay little heart got a shitty guitar where i play songs call it art got a gay little gut that confuses love with the human needs connection and distraction but love is just a chemical reaction after all so fuck these awkward interactions id rather live in solitude than face the things i probably should

obsessive compulsions until my body aches i got compulsive obsessions thats rotting at my brain and my whole body convulses in overwhelming pain its like demonic posession that never goes away brain is a nightmare im tryna listen in there is a tv on somewhere but i cant find the switch i know the works in my hands but i cant feel them anymore they are like phantom pain limbs that are numbly hanging on its such a pest to be sick but i know it doesnt change and i can pull at my brainworm but things will stay the same and all the voices and questions are quickly catching up and i can count steps on staircases but thats all ive got obsessive compulsions until my fingers cramp i got compulsive obsessions thats weighing on my back and now im waiting for something cus endings mane me cry so this song will never end i will play till it feels right yes i will play till it feels right

im just a sorry little snail that slimed my way into your life and now you almost have a kid and now you almost have a wife and we are sitting in your kitchen and i watch you drawing me you always make me look so pretty always make me feel so seen its been like 3 years since i met you but i have known you all my life cus as a kid i was so certain there was an angel by my side and in the nights where i was sure that life was never gonna change i knew to stick around for something and it made sense the day we met how’d you find me how’d i find you? why’d you like me? like i liked you? were you hiding all these years or did i just not know where to look? but now you got me and now i got you and we are sitting in your kitchen and we are lighting our smokes and you are watching me laugh dumbly at some innapropriate joke and that is something that i vowed to stick around to always see im watching over you the way you’ve always been watching over me and the daniel johnston t-shirt covered in neon pink paint that you bought in san fransisco but decided to give me and all your stories of your lifetimes of your family and friends and all the things that you’ve created all the lives that you have changed i hope you know that you are special hope you know how good you are hope you know you’ve changed my life and let me have another start you are my friend and you’re my family and if i cannot be your kid i will still be there till forever the way i hope you’ll be for me

and even if i am depressive can i still live a life? if a depressive personality is just chronic demise if im talking to a doctor i always feel like i should lie if i can’t get well i might as well be the sickest one alive can i love you even though im clearly mental even tho you’re probably definitely better off alone if you love me can u promise to be patient and to be gentle? cus the road to being vulnerable is paved with broken bones my borderline is telling me to freak out my avoidant tells me to avoid the mess my depression tells me sleep it off till next year and my ocd repeats it all again again again i am sick enough for 50 minutes once a week yet this is the first time i’ve actually liked my shrink i am sick enough for it to affect everything how i talk and how i act and how i think no hands no chance really was the truth! i should’ve known by 17 i would never be like you cus no brain no pain and i yearn for that for me a life without thinking without doubting everything no hands no chance! and with these tiny stumps i’ll play music sing until i have no air in my lungs no brain no pain yeah but no brain no songs so i’ll just keep on playing keep on singing till im gone

cleaning my room acting a fool hungry but i am too lazy to cook tomorrow the train and wake up at five i know i will sleep really shitty tonight holding freis hand being his friend is what i want till the world one day ends frei in my heart i want a cat irrelevant to the point but what da heck forgot to brush teeth and i should take a bath im smelly and ugly and feeling like crap im happy and sad and always confused i wanna go smoke but the strangers are rude throwing shit out three bags of shit papers and papers that go in the bin so much of my art I’ve now grown to hate but only because i once thought it was great i like my art now and im growing from it knowing one day i will think it is shit throwing it out bag after bag but isn’t that life when you think about it naming my furbies dressing them up feeling my heart swell three sizes with love i am ok im gonna be fine therapy starting on monday at nine last night i cried while sorting a box of postcard and photos and memory stuff it felt like my life was passing me by it still feels that way but i will just try to live on to live on thats all i can do to live on and laugh and eat pizza with you and watch the new season of bojack horseman that comes out next week and i know that i can one day wake up to the sound of the cars outside they pass by and i am alright cleaning my room acting a fool isn’t that life and isn’t it good?

what is a body should it be a safehouse all i feel inside me is stuff thats tryna get out just a bit too big here just a tad to tight there i fit way too wrong like my voice , like this song playing my guitar for people who are grateful some are calling me a girl i have a soft shell like a grapefruit easy to be beaten drop me on the floor i dont like to look down so i bind until im sore i have bodyparts i dont recognise easier to deal with when im ugly on the outside pretty is too cis for me , a dyke with no foundation body too messed up to be a place i feel ok in ugly like a duckling but ill never be swan i just put on a new face so i dont feel fucking confined boxes i can pick and choose from weren’t made for me they have labels in block letters but i dont know how to read what is a body should it be a teapot stirring at the water that is flowing from my tear ducts drink this to get bigger eat this to get small cannot fit into the hole i punched into my wall what is a body ? broken can be fixed so whats a proper word for i was forced into this skin i didn’t want it but i got it , still i hate this situation body too messed up to be a place i feel ok in

i will try not to die until im dead cus im not dead just yet and i will breathe and i will live until i stop until my inner organs give up and i will write and i will sing with all i have to no one in particular and it is fine if its the only thing i got cus creating forever is all i want i will listen to the people i did wrong and i will try not to write another hundred songs about the girl i used to rly rly love cus my reality is what i focus on i will sing about my bettering instead about the days i managed to get outta bed and i will listen really listen to you talk cus everyday we grow up a little more the road to being happy really led me here it is paved with doctors appointments yeah but it is also paved with empathy and love from the people i have grown to trust and the road to truly growing took me by surprise now im twenty-one soon i will be twenty-five ill always hurt a bit i dont think i can ever stop but just a littles always better than a lot i will promise not to die until im dead if you promise you will try to do the same and if you loved me once i know you’ll do your best that is all i ask and it is all ok and i can promise that im doing all i can even as im sweating shaking when we’re holding hands i dont know if anybody understands but im alive right now at last

real life is a tiny bug and it sucks blood from my leg i let it suck,suck my illness out cus it all sucks and maybe i should just give in and go to bed a thousand eyes are staring at me thru the darkness of my room all my furbies, stuffed animals looking at me like a loon i get defensive,say im normal but i know that its a lie when living feels a lot like killing time therapy is hard,working on myself so much homework all with smiley faces saying: do not kill yourself i wanna do the things i want i know i am my only problem but it feels like i am at a loss and i can’t stop it real life is a sweaty night where im waking from a scary dream and my brain is full of looters,stealing things that i may need staring dead at my computer,never really feeling real i still pretend that i am ok , still lie to peoples faces smiling tryna catch my breath from running all these races why am i still sad sometimes? after all these years? why can’t i just get it right? live a life that i dont fear? there is coleslaw on my plate and theres a coldsore on my face and theres a monster in the closet but the closet is too cramped for it and my skin is full of maggots so i cover it in batman bandaids so the pretty girl on the bus won’t notice my face is full of bugs real life is a violent force and it forces me to live it through others grow up,learning things learning stuff i am so far behind at this point i will never keep up lavalamp in my room ,are you tired of being used? of others watching you go up and down and analysing your every move? psychiatrist tomorrow to tell me bout my personality disorder does that mean that i was the problem after all? therapy is hard,talking bout myself i am just a patient after all,im just a number well i think about it often depending is the problem hating public hospitals but cannot live without em looney bin, the looney bin im going to the looney bin get me a diagnosis shiny and sad im going to the looney bin and im never coming back everybody! looney bin, the looney bin im going to the looney bin get me a diagnosis shiny and sad im going to the looney bin and im never coming back get me a diagnosis shiny and sad im going to the looney bin and im never coming back