1. |
thanku
03:20
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im gross
i told you so you know
please dont go
getting up your hopes
cause im used to disappointing
thats what im best at,you know
thats my hidden talent
and i will always feel alone
cause no matter what i do
i will sink and cannot swim
nothing can hold me up
when theres heaviness within
so i will treasure what you said
forever,forever
but i might not be alive soon
cause it never gets better
i will hold your hand one day
if you’ll allow it,will you allow it?
cause i want to feel the warmth
of someone who actually cares about me
i will hand you my last letter
i will tell you what it said
i will come back in the afterlife
when i am good as dead
i will crawl onto your back
and even though i may be heavy
i will sleep there for eternity
cause that is where i will feel safest
and i may have fucked up your life already
so it doesn’t matter if im heavy weight
if i dont live up to our promise
i deserve to have you hate me
yet i would kill myself
over and over and over again if that happened
haunt myself for taking everything i had for granted
but life is life right
it is nothing more than waiting for a bomb
you live or you give up and die
i’ve learned that from my mom
so i will treasure you
forever,forever
cause there is lots of shitty things you took
and actually made better
i will hold your hand one day
if you’ll allow it,will you allow it?
cause i want to feel the warmth
of someone who actually cares about me
i can promise you im less than
and you tell me i dont listen
i can tell you i think i am shit
but still my eyes will glisten
when you tell me things
or make me feel like i am almost kinda worth it
i wanna thank you for being my friend
thanku
i wanna tell you so
thanku
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2. |
woodchipperbrain
02:19
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with a woodchopper brain
and a bomb for a heart
i am tearing every single of my little thoughts apart
and i am waiting at the busstop for a bus that dont arrive
and i am realising now that its a metaphor for life
i wear a t shirt that was yours once and now its on my floor
i am laying in my bed and i cannot get out the door
i think ground of floating lava shirts
are you my newest death?
and then i try to roll onto the floor
to break my own head
and with a bolt scissor hand
and a thigh that is clay
i am shaping a statue that is shaped like me
i am bleeding on the carpet but my carpet is red
i am bleeding on my pjs i am bleeding in my bed
and i am sleeping unsoundly im waking in black
i am opening my eyes so i can feel the shape of world come back
i think im blinded by depression but i know it couldn’t be
yet i feel like im blind cus i can’t see people see me
and now my skull is an ashtray
cus that is my lunch
eating my feelings so they dont leak out
chain-smoking menthol cigarettes and laying flat on the ground
hoping i can wake up tomorrow without
the haunting pain that is living i just wanna breathe
an air that is air and doesn’t sound like forgive me
i want what i can’t have
and can’t have what i want
which is for someone to put a gun in my mouth
and with a brain that is mine
and a heart full of shame
i am trying to let go of the balloon that is the blame
i dont know how to act around the people i know
if i am happy im annoying but if im sad i am alone
i’ll do whatever you tell me to
i’d melt in the sun
if someone would just give me some directions i’ve got none
cus if i knew what i was doing do you think it would be this?
im tired im tired im tired of feeling like shit
of feeling like this
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3. |
anxiety hurts
04:39
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the thing is
anxiety hurts
cant breathe properly or go outside
act human enough to feel alright
when i want to
and it kills me
that reality is a question mark
my brain is god and i am man
desperate for a fucking answer
and i need it
and i need it
and i need it
and i do it sloppily
by it i mean living
spend so much time worrying
i never do anything
i worry about missing out
on plans i cancel anyways
to stay inside and hate myself
cause i would rather die instead
i hate the shell i hate the play
i hate the words i try to say
the way they stick to my throat
the cars on all the empty roads
the way i want to lay down
in the middle of the street
lay my acne cheek
on the cooling wet concrete
and it is bad
but its real
the way i dont believe it when i know that its sincere
cause it is bad
but it is real
the way i feel when i can’t tell if i am actually here
and i do what i can
but nothing matters
and i reach all my limbs out
but nobody cares
my mom says it is ok to feel shattered
but she doesn't
so she never really gets it
and i do what i can
but does that matter?
or would it matter if i did something more?
cause i hear somebody thru the wall
yelling at their kid
and all my blood it freezes cold
like i am being hit
and its fucked
and its surreal
the way i want to touch someone to feel like i exist
cause it is fucked
and its surreal
to know that i am not the one who made me into this
and i am touched
and it is real
that sometimes i hear voices whispering my name in tears
i'd like to think
that i believe
that one day
i'll be actually happy
but i dont
is that ok?
can you hold my hand thru it
till i somehow find a way
i really want to
i want the dream
the sweet illusion that one day
i will wipe my brain clean
or maybe just let go of what im holding onto
just let go of all the shit i still carry with me
or maybe just let go of what im holding onto
let go of all the shit i still carry with me
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4. |
ocd
03:25
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now i’ve had ocd
i mean offically
for 4 months at least
and its a shit disease
and my medicine
is still not helping me
i still cannot eat
i still cannot sleep
i still cannot be
i always feel on edge
i always feel death
creeping up my sleeves
and ive probably had this illness for more than 10 years
but lets not think about that
and everything i ever do triggers me to a point of panic
but lets not think about that
do you know how scary it is
to be afraid of things you cannot ever change
or do you not think about that?
do you know how fucked up it is to not know whats real
or do you not think like that?
i still cannot feel
if my heart is skipping beats
if thats even true
like should i see a doctor
or see my therapist
is anything real?
the feelings i can get
from shit inside my head
is completely off the hook
i hate this shitty life
or i hate this shitty time
or i hate my ocd
and this illness is chronic
and will probably haunt me for the rest of my life
but lets not think about that
and this illness is violent and makes me think im vile and shit
but people get uncomfortable if i ever mention that
it is not just cleaning or that i like it tidy
it is not a hobby or something exciting
this illness is as horrible as horrible can get
feeling like a prisoner in your own fucking head
never fully understanding what is me and what it sickness
so i just give up and give inand accept
that nothing ever changes
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5. |
syrup on pancakes
02:28
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blood in water
looks like syrup in tears
all my problems get smarter
after all they’re still with me
after all these years
showering forever
washing all the dirt from my hair and my body
and my mind and my thoughts
cause i am scared of the outcomes
so i never do anything anymore
dropped in the water
and im such a lousy swimmer too
no one ever taught me
so i had to be my own teacher and know me you
drowning isn’t funny neither is abuse
so is understanding things that hurt to this day
like drowning in waters or knowing that either way
whatever i do my brain is a bomb
ticking and tocking like a threatening clock
knowing i’ve hurt once wont go away
it continues to hurt to this very day
syrup on pancakes
looks like blood on my thighs
spongebob bandaids and lots of asking why
boxcutter slitting and bad decisions
like temporary relaxation that doesn’t really help anyways
so i go to other things to distract from feeling shit
like reaching out to people even though i barely do it
going from a womb to a tomb in a crazy short amount of time
is the stressfactor thats been tearing at me all my life
all the things i want to do
all the things i dont have time for
all the people i could be
but i only have one life so
see ya sometime when im dead
ill be ghosty girl instead
feeling clean and being scar-free
being happy in the end
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blood girl Denmark
hi i'm Blood girl i am 24 years old and i sing about sadness because i am sad.
Thanks for listening to my little diary
soundcloud.com/iambloodgirl
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