1. |
fucky
00:56
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i dont know
how to write
songs anymore
all i do now
is just sit around
and draw and draw and draw
whatever used to be inside me is gone
cus all thats left right now is way too ugly
for a song
all i do is hate myself
all i do is hate myself
all i do is hate myself
all i do is hate myself
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2. |
easy and good
02:19
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i dropped outta school
about six months ago
ive mostly been inside since then
now i am starting school
again tomorrow
and i feel uncomfortable
ive been isolated for so long
i dont remember how to act normal
i just want a life thats easy and good
my anxiety has gotten so bad
i might have to get some proper help
or i might explode or something
i am starting school
in about 13 hours
and i am so confused by it
many new people
many new faces
many new places
to get to know and get used to
i havent seen my best friend
in almost 3 weeks
and i dont know how to feel about that
i just wanna be loved
i want to be respected
i want everything to feel normal
so dear everyone i meet in the future:
do you treasure me?
am i someone you trust?
would you stay with me?
or is that too much to ask for?
cus i am unhappy
and i dont know how to be happy
yes i am unhappy
i need some help to change that
yes i am unhappy
and i dont know how to be happy
yes i am unhappy
and i need help to change that
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3. |
bitterness
01:52
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its been a while
since ive written you a song
its been a while
since you were here to sing along
its been a while
since ive written you a text
its been a while
since ive seen your face
i kinda still regret
kissing you that day
it didnt give me closure
or made bad stuff go away
i only feel much worse
my stomach churns and churns
i wish you hadnt told me in the first place
its been a while
since ive written you a song
its been a while
since ive heard you sing along
now youre busy on your own
you have grown and you have grown
and you are taller than you were in december
i really just regret
making you feel that way
i know you said it wasnt me
but after i had left
you felt much better already
and well be friends but honestly
i cant pretend that nothing really happened
and honestly i know
that it was my fault
that you were so depressed
im really not that dumb
im sorry for it all
i wish i could redo it
mostly cus i miss you
and not to put you thru it all
sorry for it all
sorry for it all
im a mess thats what you get
for falling in love
sorry for it all
sorry im like this
i pushed and pushed
and you pushed back
until we felt like shit
but life goes on
and you feel great
and i am bitter
and in hell
so what is new
i feel so bad
i always want what i cant have
and everyone tells me that youve moved on
"she feels much better already
she tells me shes happy finally"
its been a while since ive written you a song
and now i cant remember how it goes
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4. |
i want to be real
01:20
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i wanna sing
i wanna be alive
thats all i know right now
i wanna be
i wanna feel something good
i wanna know
i wanna feel
i wanna be real
thats a requirement
robotic feelings are nothingness
how i react
is always innapropriate
and i am tired of that
im tired of it
i wanna be loved
and respected
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5. |
corpse girl
01:06
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corpse girl cried when she finally died
it wasnt her time but the universe thought so
she begged and she screamed
for a few days or a few weeks
to make up for all the commotion shes caused
so she begged once or twice for a new chance for life
but the maggots were feasting
before she could say anything
corpse girl,corpse girl
thats how life is
thats how it is
you live and you die for someone else
thats what the tv shows put in her head
so dying alone felt lonely and wrong
but id rather die by myself than be hurt again
so see you in the next life on another planet
when my skeleton turns to dust and flies thru the air
then i will find back to my roots
from the apple tree on the moon
the peach plum pear in my room
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6. |
staying safe
00:47
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should i do what i am used to
staying safe
or should i do something new
that i havent done yet
should i do what i am best at
which is doing what im best at
until i get tired of myself and
what i like
but i really like the feeling
i like the idea of love
of something pure and wonderful and soft
and i really like the magic
and feeling a bit naive
and having someone want
the things that i can give
but im not that good at that stuff
still kinda want it tho
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7. |
anything
02:37
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ive forgotten
how to feel anything
i want to know you
i want you to know this
i want to feel you
know what i said no to
i wanna wish you
good luck on your way
i wanna be honest
with myself
and everyone else
i want to say: i miss you
and really mean it then
i want to miss you
want to feel the need to
talk to you about everything
but i dont feel it
by it
i mean happiness
and anything really
by you
i mean loving
sweet relief of fitting in
by in
i mean im starting school tomorrow
my headache might just kill me now
or i might kill my head
not now but sometime else
ive forgotten
how to wanna feel anything
i see people
and i feel ok
but inside theres nothingness
not even just a little bit
i open my mouth and say a word
but is that honesty
i thought that i was dying
when i slowly stopped breathing
but i only stopped breathing
cus my anxiety was so bad
my anxiety for dying
caused my anxiety for dying
what the fuck is happening
inside my disgusting brain
my brain
i mean mushy pile
of things to forget and things to remember
by what
i mean all of it
all the things that i misplaced
in december 2015
by december 2015
i mean thats when my depression really hit
how im still alive right now
is really kind of weird
maybe itll pay off
not now, but someday else
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8. |
||||
its days like these
that come so fast
begin so early and end at last
i wake in a shock to my blaring alarm clock
but im half asleep so i turn it off
and so i fall asleep again
and dream again
the nightmares ive started to know as friends
they paint themselves in pictures like movies and art
im forced to keep on watching and then it starts
i wake late
i dont eat breakfast it has to wait
i like the quiet of the breaking day
i see through my window
people like ants
moving so fast
through the matted glass
i wear the same outfits
again and again
i wanna be comfortable in my own skin
and sometimes i can or cant so it seems
so i do my hair and brush my teeth till i bleed
the bus is always crowded
i like to watch people
moving and stressing and showing no feelings
i smoke at the busstop and when i get off
i smoke till im at my school and then i go up
i sit in my workplace sweating my brain
feeling all my creativity go to waste
it shows in my artworks
how tired i am
how hard it can be to hold a pen in my hand
so i listen to music
or the ticking clock
it ticks on
whether i am here or not
sometimes the days go faster and i drink tea
and then i go home when the clock turns three
i walk to the bus and sometimes i wait
i could wait for hours cause i like how instead
of being surrounded i am alone cause
i could spend eternity all on my own
sometimes the most calming place to be
is at the busstop with people waiting like me
the bus rides always quiet
and then i just go home
throw all my bags and take off all my clothes
i rarely have energy to spare after school
usually i’m just too exhausted to move
i rarely ever draw or paint
sometimes i play guitar and sing
but mostly i just watch the same tv shows
again and again
time just goes
i eat dinner
and i can see the snow
outside getting thicker
and i think to myself: i have to wear gloves tomorrow
then i go to my room
then do the same things i’ve done for 4 hours before
until i get too tired to do it anymore
then i fall asleep exhausted from doing nothing
feeling more and more unnecessary
i have the same dreams
with the same themes
and next morning i wake from my sleep
to my alarm clock exploding with noise
so i put my clothes on and get to the bus
i smoke at the busstop and when i get off
i smoke till im at my school and then i go up
i sit in my workplace sweating my brain
feeling all my creativity go to waste
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9. |
singing and crying
02:01
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singing songs ive written
and crying feels the same
the same relief afterwards
like dropping heavy weights
lately ive not been able to draw or paint
and so im finally making music again
and i feel like im reunited
with a long lost friend
i cry sing so much my face is full of snot
as i sit in my bedroom late at night
and feel fed up
i play guitar so hard
part of my nails fall of
but i like how free i feel when i get completely lost in it
so i mean its a win win situation
i get a powerful sensation
of making something beautiful
from an ugly feeling
and i also get some exercise
screaming till theres tears in my eyes
and then just falling fast asleep
cus like
whatever, whatever
im ok with whatever
used to be my motto
but i wouldnt be content with just getting better
i wanna be happy
i wanna make shit
i wanna draw and paint and write and make and film and feel and sing
i wanna create so much
that there is something for everyone
i wanna paint until my fingertips fall off
i wanna sing until im 100
and for my entire life
and no one will forget these songs ive sung
and cries ive cried
i want to share my life
thru the art that i am proud of
thru the things i love
cus thats what keeps me here
thats what keeps me here
thats what keeps me here
thats what keeps me here
thats what keeps me here
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10. |
long song
05:35
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please dont hate me
do you miss me?
i am sorry i am boring
i just wish i knew how many single times
youve thought about me
im sorry that i disappointed
when you saw me and i wasn’t
how u thought i was
i was worse , i am always always worse
you can tell me i am pretty
but i wouldn’t ever get it
when i look at myself
i dont see a person
i see worthlessness
i carry guilt for liking you
i carry guilt for hurting too
the only reason i dont cut right now
is cause i hope that you’ll be proud of me
i am ugly and im sticky
like a snail or a slime
i mean i get it if when you look at me
you see a crying clown
i just dance around like freaky
trying to get your attention
and i think maybe you’ll hate me if i ever get happy
i hung out with some classmates
and we drank beer and it was great
or like great how it can be great
when you dont have a working brain
either way they smoked a joint and i took a tiny huff
and i didn’t really hit me that im on my medication
it was stupid i got high
but i did and i know why
i was anxious and upset
because im used to the alone time
vacations always fuck me up
cause i need routines and stuff
so i get used to myself
and i can’t let other people in
every weekends like a reset button pushing
every week!!!
cause i feel like i have just awoken
from a hundred years of sleep
or an alien trying to navigate the human world
either way i dont understand anything about anything
and the mix of that with weed
is the worst thing it could be
like my anxiousness locks down
and opens up when i am sober
see thats many hours full of anxiety
that i get in a final blow
which will kill me
but at that moment i had let my nervous go
so i let my guards down
and i stopped pretending constantly
and i laugh when i laugh and i say what i think
and thats a good thing right? so why do i feel like this?
cause im better at pretending
than being honest which is SAD
i just talk a lot about things i like
maybe thats my biggest flaw
or maybe its alright
either way i do
i think i bored a few
or maybe all of them
or maybe they’re my friends
either way they all drank beer every day after that
and i was not invited
which is DEFINITELY not personal
but tell that to my brain please i dare you
will you please?
cause it rly doesn’t wanna listen to what i say
cause it hates me
i can navigate the world and other people when im sad
because i know how to act the role
of being the weirdo in the class
sitting in the back and always crying
talking to my teachers
other people leave me alone
because they know that i am weird and
its not that they dont like me
they just dont rly know me
so they can’t really form an opinion
about a random strange somebody
but now i let people in
because i am mentally more well
but the more i let people in
the worse i actually get
what the fuck is up with this cycle?
thats a weird way for it to go
like shouldn’t other people make me excited
not wanna dig myself into a hole
but i hate being known
yet i love to know others
i wish i could be mysterious
because i feel like i am translucent
cause i always say what i mean
which is good right? i think? right?
im just anxious that people have
perceptions of me in their minds
please dont hate me
i am lonely
other people really scare me
theres so few people i want to spend more time with
and you are one of them
i wanna kill myself
but you said: i would never be ok again
and then i didn’t want to
is that fucked up pressure to put on you?
yet i wouldn’t ever tell you
i dont know maybe one day
that i actually believe that you’re part of the reason
i am here today
i just want to be more ok
like the people who drank beers today
the people i can kind of reach
but its like my arms are just too short
for me to grab onto a sleeve and hold on
tight enough to not let go
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11. |
shit
02:12
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lets just say
5 years in
and my anti depressants work
no more therapy except
for when the symptoms get worse
and i get not depressive, just sad
will i be alright?
do i have a job?
do i have a lover?
and do i have a dog?
do i feel the world?
can i see the sun?
do i play guitar?
or do i bite my thumb?
do i dream of real stuff
or am i still in bed?
laying in my own filth
clawing at my head?
do i see the real world
as it actually is?
will i kiss a real girl
and finally feel bliss?
fuck my brain
fuck the haunting pain
fuck the world that tells me
thats its not really there
if i wasnt sick
why am i like this?
wouldnt i be not depressive, just sad?
will i have a life?
will i have enough time?
will i get a wife?
a family that i feel safe in?
will i run?
will i see the sun?
or will i keep on crying
and crying and crying and crying?
do i see the real stuff
do i ask enough?
or do i ask just too much?
just too much?
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12. |
my disclaimer
01:02
|
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i am weird
thats kind of my disclaimer
i am here
but i am leaving later
cant make up my mind
my brain is working overdrive
i feel none at all
then i feel all at once
high school is a fraud
but i dont wanna be weirder
so i guess ill have to go
but its just so much easier
to just walk around
do nothing
i wanna love my life
i want to sing
no one gave me a voice
it was always me
now its time to choose
what i wanna do
and who to be
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13. |
||||
im lonely but i want to not be
i want to feel the sudden wonders of clarity
that of course im not alone
im surrounded all the time
to put a timer on depression
and just say: not now
when i feel the big emotions
when i feel the inspiration
when i remember im alive
thats why im not dead ,that is why
when i lock hands with my friends
and i think: if the world ended right now
i hope at least i would be happy while i died
but sometimes the anxiety can get too much
feel it boiling over getting hot in my lungs
and thats when i dont breathe
and thats when i believe
that nothing will get better
but that isnt real
so i keep on breathing for another day
and i keep on breathing and i count and say
breathe in on five and breathe out on seven
one day you will feel how existing can be heaven too
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blood girl Denmark
hi i'm Blood girl i am 24 years old and i sing about sadness because i am sad.
Thanks for listening to my little diary
soundcloud.com/iambloodgirl
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