day 4 thousand of having the flu been laying in my bed drying my nose on my pillowcase everyday seems to just become the same a mixture of vivid nightmares fever and cold sweats didnt you hear the ice cream truck outside everythings so loud and my brain is exploding drinking ice tea sorted my clothes but im bored outta my mind its like no matter what i do im just bored its like no matter what i do im just scared how can i change my mindset if im sitting on it guarding everything guarding everything and i am lullabying myself to sleep and i dont even miss you cus my dreams feel so real and youre always there with me i need to talk to someone who isnt myself i always get so weird when im all by myself on saturday ill get tattoed id like some moldy peaches fanart or maybe just hello kitty and a smiley face i just wanna get well

doctor appointment after doctor appointment i am lying to myself when i say that i dont want it in a way it gives me purpose, it brings a point to life if i cant get well and do stuff i might as well comply so im the sick one once again the one who doesnt go to school the one whos eyes are red because theyre crying in a bathroom im stuck in a loop in my own groundhog day replaying the same lines and phrases over again my friends are growing tired cus i never answer texts the only thing that brings me joy is buying shit and yet i lay surrounded by the stuff i buy feeling so alone knowing i am spending so much money i dont have and so theres a doctor appointment and a doctor appointment im sitting in the waiting room tryna dig into the noise and before i go out i cut myself cus whats really the use? in case she doesnt think im sick enough ill have some proof its so disturbing making someone sick in charge of their own health and im the one whos calling in sceaming to the void for help ive done so now for 5 years and yeah i got some pills but i have nothing more to show for it i still operate like this so to my doctor appointment, at my doctor appointment i am bringing a friend cus im afraid that they wont trust me its like why is it so hard to send me away to the emergency room i can stay surrounded by people wholl actually help scanning and tryna find whats wrong in my brain cus theres a lump in my neck and im afraid that ill die i just want to be alive and just be alive and at my doctor appointment, my last doctor appointment i sobbed my way thru tryna ask her to refer me to someone with knowledge of trauma and pain but she couldnt do much she was just a temp but still i cried on the way back it felt like the end like this was my chance and i had blown it again i dont like having this illness but now it is me and now at least i can focus it on something the next doctor appointment, the next doctor appointment will be just like the rest cus she cant do nothing for me i know i'll have to go home and feel numb inside but then at least i have something to feel numb about i was always the quiet kid in the back of the class staring out the window at the fingerprinted glass imagining my future 20 year old me instead just how much better i would be at life by then

got my diagnosis yesterday and i have adhd whod have thunk it? definitely me but now i really have it someone medicate this brain and let me clean my room for once finally i know that i am different not just wrong and dumb got my doubting debunked yesterday by a friendly stranger called me up and told me and he said: you wont be down forever and now im finally diagnosed and medicated soon or later all i had to do was wait for 4 years but im getting better got my brain picked open yesterday and they said: its not awful got my diagnosis yesterday

i haven’t felt like myself for so long i dont know who ive become in the meantime as the world passes by ive been bedridden almost for a month caught up cabin feber gone in the meantime everybodys moving on i cannot focus and now i am on my own i am utterly alone i am left to die again all my friends all my friends are so dear but far away i am cooped up in my bed dissapearing without trace,without trace the worlds is caving in around my skull making me forget that i can talk making me forget how to reach out making me forget that i am loved but i cant sleep in any longer i cant stay like this for life im not sick enough but sick enough to never be alright i am wrongly wired really tired fighting for my right to have a little hope that i will someday turn out fine i havent felt happy for so long i dont know where it has gone in the meantime ive been sleeping quite a lot ive pretended everything was going fine so i didnt have to lie if somebody asked me if ive gotten worse i am sloppy with excuses always covering my ass i am scared of getting help cus what if that shit doesn’t last im on meds but still depressed and therapy it doesnt help so im just tired of the fighting can i ever catch a break? i am happy for you happy for you but im so afraid i am trying i am trying but i want this shit to end i am lonely i am lonely yet avoiding all my friends i am scared yes i am scared that i will one day kill myself

everything hurts everything hurts and i can’t say nothing i can’t speak a word im bad at honesty when its in regards to me i want to try not to cry not to say that i might commit su- i mean die i mean i want to live i want to sit in the corner of your armpit feeling like i exist feeling like i exist i think im lonely but i am not im here right so i am not i have friends and i feel fine but things inside are like pain like i have brain pain i am crying in the shower i am lying when you ask me is it ok? i say yes why can’t i speak why cant i say i am not what u think i am never ok i brag to my friends about finally being fine while everything around me is slowly catching fire everything everything around me is breaking everything everything is slowly deteriorating i am fucking up everything every friendship every tiny thing i thought i had is slipping thru my fingers falling onto everything and i have all the obsessive thoughts again all of them and i dont want to see any of my friends i want to be by myself tomorrow you’re gonna ask me like you always do and i am gonna lie like i always think i have to did you sleep well and i lie yes are you ok and i lie yes are you hungry i lie no are you ok? im just tired can i help you i say no can i hug you and i pretend its like a no big deal but its the only proof i have that i am real all i want all i want is to sit and talk with you nothing nothing makes me feel like i matter except for that i want to sleep on forever

so im back to square one like i was in 2017 as painful as it is im kinda starting to get used to it i thought for long about this and maybe i am just depressed but it kinda feels like it will always come to this and the further down i fall into this rabbithole of sick the less i can support my friends who also feel like this and then the more useless i feel then the more i want to cut and now my legs look like a cutting board and everythings messed up its like im learning to be patient again for the first time like all the other times i tried to learn it for the first time its like there is a ticking clock inside my body somewhere asking me how patient i can be before i can’t be patient anymore and everything feels so hopeless how can i make everything less hopeless? and my voice is also changing and my hair is growing out tiny lightbrown roots is shyly hiding in my scalp and my fingers are numb as i am writing on this song making something is better than not doing stuff at all cus if i try to stay productive i can try to stay alive the one big compliment i always get is how much art i can put out and how i always have so much to say like it makes me ok but jokes on them cus all i sing about is being in pain its like im experiencing depression again for the first time like all the other times it felt like i was experiencing it for the first time its like theres a ticking clock inside my body somewhere asking me how depressed i can be before i can’t be depressed anymore and everything feels so hopeless how can i make things feel less hopeless? i can’t do much but write songs about being hopeless how can i make things sound less hopeless?

the first time i told anyone that i had ocd they almost laughed a little bit about the fact but not at me because the fact was i was sick but everyone kinda assumed that i could not have ocd when they took a step into my room with my sheets half off my bed and half my closet on the floor and torn up papers, bags of garbage stickers splattered on my door forever messy all my life a joke that followed since i was a kid so no one realised when i got sick and couldn’t do anything i didn’t know i had compulsions never questioned them for long the things i did to make myself calm down was not what felt so wrong it was my brain and all its humming noise its never-ending sounds and even if it wasn’t screaming static it was always loud before i knew about obsessions id had grown used to the fact that sometimes thoughts or weird ideas would stick around but then they’d pass of course they left after a while and was replaced by something else but i just thought that that was normal after all i was a kid when i was 16 something changed and the ideas stopped passing by now replaced by one thought i could not get rid of if i tried it overshadowed every other thing and kept me up at night and suddenly it was the only thing id think of all the time ocd is such a guilty thing it feels like being chained it feels like you are going crazy with the weight of all the shame it feels like waking up in mornings fearing for your life because your brain is tryna convince you that you deserve to die its like your toeing on the edge of what is true and what is fake because your brain is suddenly an unfamiliar place and like a meatcleaver it cuts your thoughts to pieces without name and you can’t see whats up and down you only focus on the pain its like theres something in your eye so you can only see with one and there is so much that youre missing but you’re convinced you’re not you are aware that you are crazy but you’re doubting everyone and you get lost inside this spiral of fighting and giving up its like a shadow in your skull that somehow controls all your thoughts and there is no room for your rationality or normal stuff so all you ever really focus on is everything you fear and everything becomes a phobia until you’re barely there i cannot comprehend the hours i have spent in total terror every night of secret punishments of pleas and empty prayers every night id gone to bed so sure i wouldn’t wake up and every time that i considered if enough was now enough so the first time i told anyone that i had ocd there was a lump so big inside my throat i almost couldn’t speak and when they chuckled i was stunned cus i expected some relief but instead i was forced to prove to them that i was really sick i never washed my hands for hours never sorted all my stuff but i would freak out in the shower alone with all my thoughts and after meds and years of therapy im better after all but still i wish my illness wasn’t made out to be laughing stock

im 22 soon and time is a line so i cannot go back still im too far behind im like watching everyone move upwards and leave and im still on the ground floor and can’t move my feet i am too grown up to ask for ur help but i am too childlike to do it myself so if i can’t do anything then what can i do? except sleep all day long to not think about all of this who am i now since you threw me away? i was a bandaid like i was back then im never enough so i’ll do what you asked and i’ll move on i’ll do my best to de-attach and if im 22 soon i cannot be ur kid and my peers are grown ups and i feel like shit how can anyone grow up and just turn out good if i just had a chance maybe i could’ve too theres no future ahead of me no 5 years from now if i try to imagine it i just start to cry i do my best to vision it but all that i see is a blank piece of paper a black empty screen

im not coping very well and im cooped up in my cell what i call this brain, this hell this loop im stuck in always knew something was wrong i did my best to carry on but lately i dont feel as strong as i used to everytime a layer is peeled back another layers underneath im so tired of the peel and everytime a thing gets to be fixed it always ends in shit always bring more things with it i am tired tired tired tired tired of being sick im tired tired tired tired tired of living like this lately I’ve been thinking maybe i should be committed but i dont think they think im sick enough im not living just spending time watching shows that make me cry so i can feel alive instead of just laying there i just think everything is wrong somethings just been feeling off i dont know how to tell whats up i dont know anything everytime a layer is peeled back another layers underneath im just so tired of the peel and everytime a thing gets to be fixed it always ends in shit always bring more things with it i am tired tired tired tired tired of being sick im tired tired tired tired of living like this lately I’ve been thinking maybe i should be committed but i dont think they think im sick enough

ocd won’t you let me be you’ve taken all you could from me ocd just let me sleep dont put your scary thoughts in me i avoid alcohol i avoid drugs and social gatherings cus i know how much you hate when im out the house you want me to stay in my room in my bed picking scabs of my face and i avoid kissing and i avoid love and i avoid friendships or hide for a month you have taken all normalcy i could’ve had and confined me to lifelong chronic distress ocd won’t you smother me you can take my brain i just want some peace ocd can’t you hear my plea i am begging you won’t you answer me?

dont give up if you dont want to give up but i give up cus I’ve had my share of stuff why should i continue if all i do is fight and if i dont continue is that all right? i prayed to god as a kid when i was sad but I’ve accepted that he doesn’t really care what should i believe in when i am all alone why should i not sleep in when there is no one on the phone at the suicide hot line and there is nothing to wake up for and im slowly getting older which is scary when you’re twenty and you watch your life pass by and there is nothing to stay up for so i lie down and just doze off you want some sadness? ive got plenty i could hook you up sometime this brain im tryna fix im the only person in it and the only one whos trying fix it using what im fixing im lonely im so lonely and im in this selfish pain i am tired im so tired but im always so awake i did my best but i dont think it was good it wasn’t much but it was what i could do why should i continue if all i do is fail? and if i do continue will everything just change? i haven’t lived for a lot of years by now i’ve grown so used to feeling emptiness inside all i want is something to pick me off my feet not new meds ,not a bandaid but something that is real that is not just sleeping and there is nothing to wake up for and im slowly getting older which is scary when you’re twenty and you watch your life pass by and there is nothing to stay up for so i lie down and just doze off you want some sadness? ive got plenty i could hook you up sometime this brain im tryna fix im the only person in it and the only one whos trying fix it using what im fixing im lonely im so lonely and im in this selfish pain im tired im so tired but im always so awake im lonely im so lonely and im in this selfish pain im tired im so tired but im always so awake

right now i know you are having sex with someone and im smoking in my kitchen im making pasta salad for my lunch i hate the way my heart it ached when i found wrappers from a condom on the floor of your bedroom last summer im trying not to feel lonely im trying not to feel rejected as im picking basil pouring pesto in a lunchbox and the basil it is dried cus the basil plant it died i still feel weird about the fact that you are probably inside somebody elses mind and i am picking dying leaves of a plant that didn’t quite survive a year has passed since it began you dating other people and its fine i just forgot how much it sucks to have to share you with em but i loved you a lot back then and i love you even more now didn’t think it possible but it just happened somehow when you kiss me on my neck or hold me in your arms im butter melting sideways down a oven filled with warmth and when you kiss me on my lips and i taste your morning breath when im waking in the sunlight and were laying in my bed in my lucid dreaming wake i cuddle into you id rather be around you than alone and that is new and new things are coming like knowing you are interested in people is comforting cus it makes me feel like you are going to be fine the way we feared none of us would make it out alive and i am eating the pesto straight from the glass and outside a couples walking by hand in hand it makes me think that i am just the worst person alive i know its not true but i can’t shake this feeling inside that the only reason you dont want me now is because you know me inside and out and you saw all the ugly that i hide from the rest and you knew it best to get away from this mess and right now i know you are having sex with someone and i hope you’re comfortable and i hope youre having fun im falling fast asleep and im thinking bout the day how everyone around me feel so scary far away and right now i know you are having sex with someone right now i know you are sleeping next to someone right now i know you are waking up with someone right now i know you are gonna fall for someone right now i know you are having sex with someone right now i know you are sleeping next to someone right now i know you are waking up with someone right now i know you are gonna fall for someone